I really hate the feeling of being alone. Like right now at 3:44 AM I am sitting in a dark room all by myself typing this out. Why? Because I have nothing else to do, I can not sleep when my mind is still active. She is running through my head, the last words she hung up the phone to:
"Get some sleep, I love you" How can I get some sleep when the only person I need is only 5 miles away and I am locked in someone else's bedroom for the mentally screwed.
I do not need drugs anymore, I never did, and I knew that. I just needed to get clean and stay clean. But I never knew it was going to hurt me more than help me. We fought today.
Actually late last night, about nothing. We fought about absolutely nothing! She was in a bad mood and so was I so we just argued. And we kept arguing, because instead of the usual where I hug her so we both shut up and it does not escalate, I could not even touch her, because it was a fucking phone. So we kept at it, for 2 hours. We argued for 2 hours. Why? Becuase I miss her so much it hurts.
Tomorrow I get to see her from 2pm-10pm. I do not even get to fall asleep with her, it is like they are giving me everything by letting me visit her but at the same time they are giving me nothing by taking me away again.
I let her go the first time, and now, by choice and kind of not I am letting her go for a month alone. I get a few hours every 4 or 5 days, I moved in with her 3 months ago, this is painful. I miss her so much, so much that just holding hands would be ok. I see her through the screen, but it is not the same. I want to hold her, touch her, fall asleep with her.
Only 3 more weeks.