Since the moment I was able to stand up and look in a mirror I have wanted to be older, I wanted to grow up as fast as I could, skip the school head straight to work. I wanted to be my Mum and dad, to come home after a long day at work with my wife and relax while someone cooked me food and I played with my kids or had one of the grown up parties I was never allowed to go to. I wanted to move out, grow up and be the man my father was.
Except now, when I need him the most in my life. He is gone.
And slowly I have been forced to realize that growing up is not in the parties, the vodka, the women or the weed. The growing up is in me and those things are not me. I have spent my life as a spoiled brat. I do what I want, when I want and I solve the consequences later. But sooner or later I have to realize that my life will go nowhere if I keep it up the way I am.
I need to push everything I have done wrong- and it is a lot- behind me and grow up.
Why should I care about Marco's party? He only ever got me into bad things, he might even be the reason why I am where I am right now. Trust me, drugs are never worth it, you can be higher than a kite for days and it is all fun and great, but when you come down there is no getting back up. Crack makes you see everything as chill as the Beetles did, but when you come up from it you just want to go back down. Ecstasy and LSD are confusing as fuck, I wish I remember that part of my life, I wish I knew what happened in between the dark patches where I can not remember anything. I wish I never started doing drugs because stopping is like pulling needles out of your arms.
Why do I need anymore women? I already have the one I need.
I wanted to be like my father, strong and calm and always collected. But right now I am just a fucked up 23 year old man with half the will to just voluntairily jump off a cliff.
My life has been party after party after party for so long that now. I do not know what to do. But at least I have a start, I have something.
I have the other half of me, the half that is stronger. The half that makes me wake up in the morning, get dressed and go to work. Because when I hear people tell me, "Blue you are just like your father. God bless him," I have a reason to keep going.
So to all the people in my life that I have loved and maybe even lost, thank you. I would not be here without you; Emmy, Gracie, Bryce, Lexie, Carlos and Miranda.
Especially you guys Mum and Dad, I miss you. Everyday.