Love, in my experiences, sucked. Well, up until now

Maybe I am a player, man whore, cheating lying bastard. Whatever the insult is I am almost positive I have heard it. Being in the modeling industry for 11 years gives you that kind of confidence, I spend my life around diva's and other men vying for the spot as the top dog. I quit less than a month ago for reasons I will share later in the blog, but that confidence gave me all the gunpowder I needed to become the guy I wish I never had to discover.

I sincerely hope none of you reading this will ever have to go through what I put myself through. People say your virginity means nothing these days, but who is ready when they are 13? I certainly was not. I lost my virginity at age 13 to a 17 year old model who I never saw again. Classy right? Now it does not even matter, but, listen to me now. Never put yourself in my shoes, waking up at 5 Am to the girl in someone else's bed. I do not know half their names, I probably remember much less.

Being who I was I have only dated 6 women; Carmen, Rilin, Destiny, Roberta, Bri, Zaia and Bri.

And now to the tricky part, adressing what I believe love is.

I have been in love three times in my short life, and I will tell you, it is hell when it is the wrong person.

Rilin was my first love, she was a lot like me. Carefree, irresponsible and childish. I remember coming back to Spain after my exchange student program when I was 18. I was in almost all of her classes previous to that and she saw me with a group of friends at the beach that weekend after I came back, I hooked up with her friend and got her number. Mind you I am not really the type to date, but there was something special about her. She reminded me of what it was like not to worry, back when I thought I had it all and nothing to lose. When I was with Rilin I did a lot of dangerous stunts even the person I am now still thinks were stupid. Maybe two weeks later rumors of course were circling that I was with her, I had stopped really hooking up with anyone and I still remember that conversation. I saw her on accident with her friends and the conversation went something like this;

Blue: Hey Ril

Rilin: Brax!

Blue: So a lot of people think we are going out...

Rilin: Really?

Blue: I think we should.

And that was the tale of my first love. It was reckless, it was stupid and it was fun. For a year I was with her, then a little before our one year and one month anniversary I came to accept that I knew it would never go any farther than the puppy love I felt towards her. We broke up with a little more than a high-five and I honestly have not heard much from her since, her facebook status declares her as single and every once in a while I see pictures of her skydiving, snorkeling or drinking. She never changed, and I was right, because I have.

 My second love is also partly my third love which gets confusing so we will skip to my real second love. Zaia.

Zaia was possibly the diva of all diva's, she was the top Bitch, the Queen, the girl that most people would kill to have. Zaia however was never owned by one person, she owned them and damn she owned me. Being who I was, even with all these lady 'friends' I had to chose from, I never once dreamed Zaia would enjoy my company. From the first date she made it very clear that she was down to business, if I was to take her on that date we were hereby offically together. Zaia was polar opposite of Rilin, every move was carefully perfected so she could bring it out into public where she would climb the social ladder, I should have known I was part of that plan. She made the tabloids with her millionaire boyfriend, heir to the family legacy, me. With Zaia it was go big or go home, I was no longer allowed to wear my GUESS knits, those were not fancy enough. If I was out she expected me in a suit, Armani, Gucci, D&G you name it she made sure I wore it. Casual events? Button up Ralph Lauren or Polo. I loved chasing her, being there to hold her hand and kiss her in front of hundreds of camera's, I loved the way we looked as a couple. She was gorgeous and deadly. Blackmail was her motto and she got what she wanted, she never dared to try it with me though, I was her golden ticket to the chocolate factory. I really did love her, not for long, but longer than she loved me. In the beginning she chose me because I would get her there, after our 8 month anniversary however I realized I had been fooling myself. Zaia was nothing next to the girl I saw for the first time in almost a year. I came to Milan this summer dating Zaia, I will leave dating Bri. And as I do believe Zaia really did love me at the end of it, she just was not who I was looking for. And I knew who I was looking for all along.

Now to the third and last love. Sabrina Grace, who gave me the nickname Blue when she was hardly 13 years old. I call her Gracie, returning a favor. The moment I met her I knew she would be something very special to someone, I just did not know who, or ever suspect that it would be me. After Rilin and everyone I reached the old as fuck age of 21 and decided to vacation my summer with my best friend Bryce. Bryce naturally brought his best friend, Sabrina. Over that summer I realized she had become something very special to me. We casually dated for two months without making it offical and then on our two month anniversary she surprised me by jumping on me in the middle of the night and bringing me to her room where she had lit tons of candles and she sat on her bed and let out every secret she has ever kept in to me, between the privacy of her walls I watched her cry, laugh and remember every heartache and bruise that has ever come her way. I cried with her, I laughed and I remembered her smile when I told her I loved her. She was 16, I was 21, there was nothing wrong with it. Nothing people say or do will change the way I feel about her. But in all honesty she was not ready for what was up ahead, the next morning I recieved a call that my parents were killed in a drunk driving incident. The details of which I will go into in another post. Things started cracking after that, I was changing, a different man. I felt alone even with all the people surrounding me and I got into some bad things, summer ended quickly and I returned to model in spain and she left for her second year at NU. It took another month before she ended it, and I saw it coming. Things just were not the same. But that did not keep her off my mind, I guess somewhere I knew that she was the one. This summer I walked in and the first thing I saw was her, in only a few short months she had turned into someone much older. She was sophisticated, fun, gorgeous and I realized I was madly in love with her, but she had a boyfriend. A month of no touching into it she realized the same thing I did, in a trip to the French beaches she became my second time over girlfriend. Now less than two months later I will be heading to NU to live in a house with her, and my mother's ring on her left hand proves that love has no age. Five years, six even. I will still love her just as much as the day I first said it.

Love is complicated, but it is worth it when you finally find the right person.

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